Just What's A Canker Sore
8 years ago
Friday, August 26, 2005
My psych & counselling class yesterday once again provked me to think about my life. I was wondering how much I contaminate the relationships I'm in. There is so much of my behaviour that is unconscious. I do things that just come naturally so often without stopping to think first. This is obviously a necessary part of life in many ways. If we had to stop and think about everything before we did it we'd go insane. I'm glad I can drive a car and do up my shoe laces without having to think about it. But what of my unconscious behaviour is not a helpful thing? I am very quick to speak up, and I am learning to leave more space for others. I know that I also have a 'need' to be the best at everything I do, so when I don't feel secure in my preceived identity that I am the best, I can get very defensive, and my behaviour becomes a projection of my insecurity.
Everyone has a sense of self that they instinctly protect, mostly this is unconscious. We spend most of our energy protecting this unsconscious identity. I want to be aware of how I see myself so that I can assess it and try to figure out what parts of me are real, and what parts are wrong. I know that I actually do not have to be the best at everything. Because I am aware of that, I can make choices around it, and try to change my internal dialogue. I can tell myself that these messages inside my head are not true, and hopefully my behaviour will change as a result of this shift in perceived identity.
It's one thing to be aware of many of these things that I am trying to work on, but how much do I do that I am still unaware of? Quite a lot I'd imagine. I don't want to be doing things that are harmful to building intimacy in my relationships. It goes against human nature to think before acting. We are not wired to instinctively refelct, so it is a difficult discipline to actually do it. I want to get better at thinking about the consequences of my actions before I act. I want to build positive relationships and encourage other people in any way I can.
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And zombie, I agree with most of how we act being shaped by past experiences, but if we make ourselves aware of what that behaviour is then yes, it's hard, but we can make choices around that.
And you said that people should never have to change who they are to be accepted. Now I totally agree with that, but there are so many people who abuse that and use it as an excuse to behave however they like.
Take Big brother for example. People just did whatever they wanted, spoke rudely, tramped other peoples emotions then claimed that they weren't going to change who they were 'just for you'. That's not changing who you are! It's being sensitive to others! ARGH!!! Talk about selfish, self absorbed people! I got so mad at what they were saying people should be on that show. It was all an excuse to do whatever you felt like. You need to consider others when you act, and if it's going to hurt someone else, then perhaps you shouldn't do it, even if you want to.
It seems like i have much more of an internal dialogue going on in my head, which tends to screw me over.
Ive tried to shut out all of that excess noise, cuz thats all it really is.
It is a way of survival, of protecting the ego/self. I do that alot in my relationship with my boo. I feel like i set myself up to fail in some way and try to see how i would go about surviving.
In actuality, i should just put my ultimate trust in him and not worry, because i know that he wouldnt wrong me purposely.
I do think its an instinctual thing, wanting to prepare for the worst possible outcome.
I would suggest reading/listening to Change your life in 7 days which comes with a hypnosis cd. The author is Paul McKenna and it did work well, but i havent been listening as of late.
It makes you more positive about life, so its a suggested read.
Of course there isn't anyone on earth that could see you from their perspective without seeing you through the haze of their own experiences.
Linny, I don't think that what you said was the opposite of the thinking here, but a different topic altogether. Hehe... reminds me of Seinfeld and George coming up with a great 'comeback' while driving home.
A starting point to this exploration might be to identify traits within yourself that you have come from your family background, and then continue from there.