Just What's A Canker Sore
9 years ago
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Do you ever just ponder? I was doing some musing, some pondering, some cogitating, some contemplating, some ruminating, some reflecting. I like to reflect. I love my journal. My actual physical journal that is, it's pink and so pretty! I find it so facinating delving into the self reflection side of life. I find it so helpful to understand myself better. Ok Fusion people, you can stop laughing and convulsing on the floor now. Poor Diploma students are so traumatised by journalling!
Do you know when you are wearing a mask? I find that sometimes I am so used to the mask that I wear that I'm not even aware that I'm wearing it. I was thinking about this today because of last night. When I went home I thought about my behaviour and realised that I don't think I really accurately represented who I am. I tend to hide behind things. I'm not even sure what half the time. I don't feel settled in myself when I wear masks. Something just feels out of place, or I feel unsettled or something. I don't even know how to explain it. There is something in me that resists letting down the defences and letting people see the real me. It's an unconscious reaction, not a response based on reality. I'm not even aware I'm doing it most of the time at the time. It's only afterwards that I realise. I have my defences up for some reason. I want to be more self aware so that I can tell when I'm not accurately representing myself. I want people to get to know the real me, not the surface me. I was journalling about that this afternoon. I was asking God to show me more of myself so that I can get rid of those things that stop me reaching my full potential. I don't want to miss out on anything He has planned for me, and that means getting rid of the behaviours in my life that prevent me from living out that potential. So that's something I was pondering today and yesterday. Who am I really? And how do I accurately convey that to others? What gets in the way of this, and how do I go about cleansing my life of those behaviours?
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I think people have masks for a few reasons. For me I think it's a fear of exposing the "real" me, where there's more risk of being hurt. For example, when I'm in a group, I tend to "hide in the shadows" a lot, if you know what I mean. I hope that makes sense.
hmm...1:23am...I should go to bed. I'll see if I get more inspiration regarding masks tomorrow, and I might write some more. hehe
I see what you mean Orby. I think the mask is an unconscious defence mechanism. If I never let anyone get to know the real me, then I can't get as hurt by them. If people reject me then I can take comfort that they aren't rejecting the real me, but rather a me I have fabricated. It's a scarey thing to make yourself vulnerable to another. But I don't want to go through life not letting anyone get to know me. I would feel sad if I got to the end of my life and I had hardly let anyone in my world.
HOWEVER, I learnt a lot in this discussion, and discovered that we should really properly define what we mean, because there is a time when 'masks' can play a big role in making new people (especially to church) feel welcome, and initiating good 'small talk' with new people that we meet. In actual fact, a high skill in acting is needed in this circumstance, or (if you like), performance.
In my experience, I have been told several times that I have a strong gift in making new people feel very welcome in our church (this really humbles me that I would be blessed like this). Most of the way that I do this is through making the necessary evil of 'small talk' interesting with smatterings of silliness and honest vulnerability. Of course all of this is founded upon a genuine care for the person I'm talking to.
In this way, one might say that 'masks' are absolutely necessary for engaging people in a conversation where both people don't know each other very well, if by 'masks' we mean behaviours which do not come NATURALLY, but are effective in involving and amusing people around oneself. Just because it doesn't come naturally doesn't mean it isn't valuable.
This is measured, on the other hand, by the fact that I am always looking to be vulnerable with a new person and share of myself, so that they would be comfortable in opening up in the same way. This is such a passionate topic for me.
I think the point I was attemping to make is that if that is all there ever is, then I'd feel sad. But yeah Danny, I agree. Masks are a necessary part of life. But even the word mask doesn't work so well for me. Because that implies being fake. I think it's just choosing to hold parts of yourself back as is appropriate, rather than pretending to be something that you're not.
But not really.
Rather, our paths crossed.
The private paths of our own
separate worlds made a juncture
and we were there.
We told our impersonal names
and shook each other's hand
warmly and firmly - to convey
our interest
which wasn't there.
We shared ourviews
on the weather, politics,
the latest news
and other foreign things
which were not there.
And when the conversation lagged,
we said:
"Well, glad to have met you"
"Same here"
We lied, smiled, extended our hands
again, and parted -
glad to be on our separate ways
from our little meeting.
Today I met a mann
But not really.
(Author unknown)
Wait i have something! A wise man once said, "man who stand on toilet is high on pot."
Yeah, I do actually agree with you, Lud, but as we've both kind've commented, perhaps we have alternate definitions of a "mask".
I firmly believe in always looking to be vulnerable with new people I meet, and am always very frustrated if the conversation goes no deeper than the surface. I guess I come from a viewpoint that holds this as an assumption, and has for many years. I will always attempt to cut to the heart of a person situation, and (although this could have a negative ring to it), go prodding for the tender points. Then I try and balance with silly utter bollocks.
Bollocks!
Don't we have the bestest church in the world? I love our church so much.