Just What's A Canker Sore
9 years ago
Monday, July 18, 2005
Do you ever feel like you're not communicating yourself properly? Sometimes I feel like I am just so much more than people know. I know that's true of everyone, but some days I feel it more than other days. There is so much I want to do, and so much I want to be. There are so many dreams I have. But converting that into reality is a rather difficult task at times. I want to show people my potential and what is in my heart. I'm sick of living a half existance where what people see (not all the time, but too much of the time in my opinion) is pretense or a mask or something. Why are we so afraid to just let go and live life? It's not like we get multiple tries at it. I get sick of having to ask myself the same questions all the time. I just want to be able to sit back and breathe. I want to choose what I want in life and how I behave. I don't want to let circumstance and emotion drive me. This is something I have been consciously working on over the last few years, being the person I really want to be, not just who it's easy to be. But it's still so easy to be lazy with how I live. I do things I don't want to do, and I don't do things I want to do. I can relate to Paul in the bible when he says 'The good I want to do, that I don't do. But the bad I don't want to do, that I keep on doing.'. I feel frustrated and slightly trapped today.
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Hi! Luddy! You have heaps of potential and are using it brilliantly!!
Just kidding. Megan, you are doing really, really well. You're an absolute champ of a person, and you fill my life with internet gladness :)
Have you tried surrendering your expectations of yourself to God? Maybe you're feeling unsuccessful because you're holding on too tight, or maybe they're the wrong expectations in the first place? I hate self-enforced guilt. Hate it hate it hate it. It is a waste of time, and it eats at too much of who we are. Repentance is one thing, but guilt that comes from yourself is just wrong (or the devil!).