Just What's A Canker Sore
9 years ago
Monday, July 16, 2007
I've been thinking a lot this weekend about the nature of relationships and how vulnerable we are to others. I've been doing an intensive (as part of my uni studies) with an organisation called 'Forge'. I'm a big fan of where they're coming from and have really enjoyed engaging with the material over the last 4 days.
Let me preface this with saying that I am talking about any relationship, not just romantic ones.
Something I was thinking about was the nature of relationships and being hurt by others. I can think of a time recently where I have been hurt and disappointed by someone I have been friends with for many years. I was hurt and angry to begin with and thought about ending the friendship out of frustration and hurt. But then I thought about it and realised that this is not an option if I am to live with integrity
Does this mean I was wrong to open myself to this person? No, I don't think so. It is the nature of life that we will be hurt by some people, but if that stopped us choosing to be vulnerable to others, then I think it would be a rather sad existence.
Being in relationship with anyone invovles a certain risk. There is no guarantee of 'success'. Although I would argue that our definition of success is warped anyway. But the more I think about it, the more I tend to think it is ok to be hurt. It means that you have really given something of yourself to another person. Even if you think there is a real risk that you will be hurt, ripped off, disappointed, or taken advantage of. We are only responsible for what we do, not what others do. It is the nature of humanity that we let each other down.
I want to live a life of love. And that means sacrificial, inconvenient, unconditional love. I want to care for anyone and everyone, even if that means I am hurt, inconvenienced and disappointed. I want to be able to look back on my life and know that I did all I could for people, even if it invovled pain. I would rather live a life of challenge than comfort.
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I sometimes get the sense that people who feel hurt in this manner are operating from a standpoint that those around them should understand their pain by default when this is often not the case. I actually get annoyed when female friends suddenly have a go at me for "being so insensitive", but never once actually mentioned there was a problem before. If the problem was calmly addressed in the first place it would have stopped!
I dunno, I suppose I just haven't experienced friendships hurts in the way your speaking of yet, because whenever my friends hurt me I just assume they don't know about it, thus shrug it off.
If you don't feel that hurt deeply, then great for you. But some of us do, and it cetainly is not just a female thing. I listened to many stories over this weekend of men who have been deeply hurt, being betrayed by those they have given something of themselves to.
And on the flip side, if you did not mean to hurt another person, does that not mean you should apologise? It does not mean you have to admit fault or change you opinion, but you can apologise for hurting the other person, whether it was meant or not. I certainly never want to hurt another person. And if I do, whether I mean to or not, I want to have the humility to make amends for that and heal the relationship.
What is more important? Being right? Or people?
A simple calm and cool word is good. And not in a "supressed angry" way either. A simple mentioning that you got hurt.
Easier said than done, though...
"Is that a conch?"
And you might want to check that the letters on the keyboard are in the right place! Lots of typos for Glen!